Goodbyes

Goodbyes

"In light of what we know about our eternal destiny, is it any wonder that whenever we face the bitter endings of life, they seem unacceptable to us? There seems to be something inside of us that resists endings.

Why is this? Because we are made of the stuff of eternity. We are eternal beings, children of the Almighty God, whose name is Endless... Endings are not our destiny.

The more we learn about the gospel of Jesus Christ, the more we realize that endings here in mortality are not endings at all... How grateful I am to my Heavenly Father that in His plan there are no true endings, only everlasting beginnings."- Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf

It's the time of year when I am saying a lot of hard goodbyes. Choosing to move to Utah to go to BYU meant that I would say goodbye a lot more often than I want to. I attach to things very easily- people, places, things, phases, chapters, callings, roles, foods, smells, voices, and car rides.  Every August I question it. Why did I choose this? The people who have had the greatest impact on me in Utah are people that I met before I moved there. Did I really need to go? What has it taught me that I couldn't have learned from the comfort of home and people who love me? Is it worth all of the tears I've shed and the only ones I've ever seen my sisters, parents, and best friends cry?

I knew I had to come home this summer, even if I would miss Utah sometimes to the point of pain. The school year was more taxing emotionally than I could have imagined, and I needed some space. There were so many things I wanted to do here. Family and friends I wanted to spend time with, get close with, things I wanted to fix, learn, and situations to improve. It became really obvious that Heavenly Father had an entirely different set of goals for me than I did. I was surprised- these things were really good, they had to be what He wanted too. And you know what, I am sure that He does want those things, they just can't be accomplished right now. 

Or they can't be accomplished by me.

 The second one was where I struggled. I wanted these assignments so badly, I felt entitled to them because of the love I feel for the people that I am involved with here. I love them, I pray for them, I am willing to do whatever is needed. Why was I being asked to do other things. 

I had a great summer. I got to teach primary with some wild 7/8 year olds who I love immensely. I had the opportunity to be a temple ordinance worker, which will probably impact me for the rest of my life. I spent weeks on end with my grandparents, family, and extended family that I don't usually get to see. I figured out some of the next steps that I need to take in my life. I spent time with many beloved friends, and got to celebrate some of their big steps. I read the Harry Potter series again, sewed a quilt, tried surfing, hiked part of the Appalachian Trail. 

Heavenly Father gave me so many opportunities that brought me such great joy! Some of them weren't really what I wanted for myself, at all. But it was where He wanted me, and whose plans are going to be the best for me in the long run? I still have no idea what He wanted me to accomplish this summer, but I came and hopefully did my best. 

The last Sunday in my home ward is always the hardest day for me. I hugged, cried, hugged, and cried some more. My home ward is what I miss most when I am away- the people who showed me how to live the gospel, who constantly loved and supported me, and who nourished my testimony infinitely. Things are so different there now than they were 3 years ago when I joined the church. I am different now than I was then. And those differences have been really, really hard for me to accept. But I labored in the vineyard where Heavenly Father asked me to, and that is the best sacrifice that I can offer for now. 

This summer has increased my faith so much. I realized that even with a righteous desire to help, to fix, to love even, that the goals I have in mind may not be what is best in the end.

 I am an insecure convert. I would have loved to have been born in the church. But I would not trade the experiences that I have had as a convert for anything else. Not to have been born during the restoration itself. This summer I started to wonder if there wasn't a bigger picture for all of these plans that I had, like there once upon a time was for me. Maybe there is, and maybe there isn't. 

That is the reality of it- some things are going to improve and some won't... in this life. That was what I had to fight to accept this summer. And you know what, I am so okay with that. It makes the next life that much more real and filled with hope already. 

"They say of some temporal suffering, 'No future bliss can make up for it,' not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory."-C.S. Lewis

My favorite song for years has been "The Call" by Regina Spektor. She tenderly sings "you'll come back, when it's over. No need to say goodbye," and those words have always meant so much to me. Living across the country from home means a lot of people to miss. I miss chapters too. I miss England. I miss the smell of the house I learned the gospel in. But I know that it really is all going to be resolved one day, and that there will be nothing to miss or feel distant from. I'm already eagerly anticipating so many Heavenly reunions.

Life is so sweet, but that will be somehow everlastingly sweeter.